minifix for filterheads!

I need to get the internet so I can blog again cuz texting on my phone sucks. It's limiting and annoying. So here is a mini update. I moved to a city. Well kind of. Much bigger than where I came from anyway. I started a new job. Its like any other job. Some days its awesome. Some days it blows. I just wish I could find a job where I could drink whenever I want. Not that I would drink all the time it would just be nice to have the option. And to know that i won't really be held responsible for much. Anyway. That is all I have patience for right now. Maybe next time I will entertain you a bit. On another note I am finally embracing my love of folk music. So that is neat. Pete Seegar is pretty cool. Rock on hippie children!

Egomania!!!

Hey Filterheads! I guess you're probably all wondering where in the heck I've been lately... (*crickets chirping?*) Well I have been taking a vacation from my vanity for a while, in search of my sanity... This is something that's usually best done in private. I heard on TV, (so it HAS to be true) that Celebrity Rehab is a doomed endeavor from the start. They say that addicts are all egomaniacs, so trying to break an addiction while still feeding the ego (by being famous and on TV, duh!) is a hopeless mission. Prolly why so many of them died. Not that I'm an addict... Okay, maybe, like, chocolate... I can openly admit to that one. *wink*

Anyway, my whole point was that I sometimes feel like putting my thoughts down into words is just a desperate plea for acceptance and understanding. Or maybe more like feeding MY ego... BAAAHAHAHA! I just realized I wrote "hole" instead of whole! Wow, what a hole! That just changed the entire mood of this blog. No more thought-provoking insights into the human condition, oh no! Now we're down to language jokes... again!

But seriously folks, what is the problem with our nation today? I'll tell you. Now I don't claim to be like most other women, but I, for one, am extremely tired of hearing about the "glass ceiling." So fuck Sheryl Sandberg and Hillary Clinton! And all of those other bra-burning, agenda pushing, women's lib bitches! They all need to go suck big cocks! Ah-hem... Excuse me, I mean... What I really meant to say was, I don't want to run a business. And I'll bet there are far more women than men who would prefer NOT to run a business and be a successful executive etc. etc. yada yada yada! So what if the number of women in executive positions has continued to be 14% throughout the last ten years? How many women do you actually believe are pursuing these careers? I would venture to guess that there are a lot more men seeking these careers than women. And why? BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT THESE FUCKING JOBS! Speaking for myself anyway. This article seems to suggest that a woman's career is only a back-up plan if she can't find a husband who is able to provide. That sounds about right for me. Not that my husband can't provide, but ever since these stupid "we are equal" women's lib bitches started pushing their agenda decades before I ever entered the workforce, our nation has become a double income society due to necessity. This is the same reason I don't really support an outrageous increase in the national minimum wage. The more money families make, the more shit starts to cost. Although, I have to say I do agree that no full-time employee should have to live below the poverty line. I'm just saying it could really screw with the economy if we drastically increased it. Now I'm just rattling off shit about politics that has been bugging me. I hate politics. I'm tempted to delete all this but then I'd have no material for my blog, so it stays.

On the flip side of ambitious women, these low-class, uneducated, "Being a mom is a hard job," welfare mom's who drain my tax dollars are a real pain in the ass, too... Just sayin'... if you can afford to spend 18 hours a day updating your facebook status and playing mall whores online, pretty sure you could get a job... Telemarketers can work from home, so don't throw that cost of daycare bullshit in my face. Pull your own weight, bitches!

In other news... I got new eyeglasses! Which wouldn't ordinarily be that exciting except that these correct for my astigmatism so well that I can actually read more than a short magazine article without getting a headache or drifting off into an exhausted slumber. Which, in turn, means... I have been reading books! Yes, yes... I know. I accept your congratulations. So I have been getting into the fantasy genre (as in MAGIC, you perv!) But I don't like mainstream stuff, so I read Mary Brown's Pigs Don't Fly and the sequel Master of Many Treasures. The latter book has an alternate ending. What is your take on alternate endings? I HATE them! I am not the author of these freakin' books, it should not be for me to decide how it ends! Just tell us! UGH! There is nothing more irritating than getting to an ending that read, "And the two lovers perished after falling into a giant ravine. Or they lived happily ever after. You decide." WHAT? Did Romeo and Juliet have an alternate ending? NO! If you are too afraid to piss off your readers by killing off the main characters then you never should have become an author in the first place, and you are a whimp! wimp? hm... idk Oh spell check just told me, it's wimp.

So I went to work the other day, not my nursing job, my job at the factory. I knew it was gonna be a shitty day cuz I was really tired (thanks daylight saving time, you suck). But I, being a genius of unappreciated measure, thought ahead. I brought 3 energy drinks to work. I immediately downed one and put the other two in the fridge. Two and a half hours into my 12 hour shift, I went for another only to find... Someone stole one of my energy drinks! WTF?! STUPIDDUMBSHITGODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!! (Offspring, Bad Habit) OMG I was so mad! Ask my husband about the time he ate the last of the spaghetti leftovers... (*Hint: I threatened to divorce him!) The first thing I did was, I took a little tour around the plant to see if anyone was drinking said energy drink. Nope. Then I started bitching to anyone and everyone who would listen about how I had been robbed, only to find out it's been happening all the time. Guy #1 had 2 hot pockets and a soda stolen. Guy #2 had his lunch and soda stolen out of his lunch bag! What an asshole! And #3 had an entire loaf of bread and package of lunch meat stolen out of the fridge. SO... I made a little note and taped it to the door and it read as follows:

To Whomever STOLE my Kickstart out of the fridge this morning:
     1) You're a JERK for stealing
     2) You owe me $1.07, which you may turn in to the supervisor.
~Kendra~

That's right I signed my name. Motherfucker isn't going to treat me like I'm anonymous. No fucking way. If you're gonna rob me, you better at least know who the fuck I am! (Said no one to the IRS ever...)  Wow... I'm getting kinda violent with the words here. But I was very upset, and thirsty, later on, after I finished my second energy drink, and a soda. Hey I work hard! and I get very thirsty... Well it's the principle of the matter, really.

Well I think I successfully met my quota for number of people to offend today... So, I think I can sign off now... Oh yeah, almost forgot to tell you... I recently picked up the new habit of binge-drinking!

Cheers!

Today's Forecast: Partly Psychotic With a Chance of Bipolar

Welcome back Filterheads!!! WOOT WOOT! I AM CAPTURING MY EXTREME EXCITEMENT WITH THE "ALL CAPS!!!!" Actually, I am more cranky and pissed right now than excited, but I AM excited to tell you all about it! But, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

<<<<<<<<<<< Rewind!<<<<<<<<<

Since you have heard from me last, I have been a busy woman. Eh-hem... seems I have also turned into Yoda... I am extremely short, and there ARE days when my hair kinda looks like his... At least it seems that way to me. Some days there just ain't enough hairspray in the world to fix it. Wait, where was I? OH, yeah I was about to tell you all about (FUCKING BOXELDER BUGS IN MY DAMN HOUSE!!!) my awesome life! Well let's see... Skydiving was fan-freaking-tastic! Read this article to understand just how awesome it was for me personally! Did you read it yet? Giggity-giggity, awl right! That's all I have to say about that! >>>click<<< Not to mention, the idea of a 180 lb dude strapped to my back only added to the freaky reaction, which I wish somebody would have warned me about in advance! I got to the ground and I was like, "Well... I'm not sure what to make of that experience. I just uh.... I think I was just violated... But I'm not sure." I sat in a chair and stared at the wall for a while. FRICKEN HILARIOUS!

Moving on------>>>>>>

You ever get the feeling that people feel threatened by your awesomeness? Well, that's okay. Not everyone is as cool as I am. But I seriously get the feeling that people who don't know me, don't want to let me in their circle of friends, cuz I would DOMINATE the shit out of that circle! I would march right in and be so cool everything else would start to look a little square! YEP!

I have been married for damn near 6 years now. That's right, 6 fuckin years of behaving myself, folks. Lemme tell you... when you are only 24 years old, that shit gets old! I want to make good decisions for my own sake, not because I have to, shit man! Marriage is rough. That's all I will say. Don't wanna get started on this line of thought, cuz I will most definitely start bashing my husband, and well... He don't always deserve it, but when he does, he gets it in da face! HAHA! I just fricken cracked myself up! See This! I know! You're welcome!

You know what else I recently saw that I LOVED?! THIS! If you knew me, you would most certainly understand... It's like a grammatical and a mathematical reference all in one!

All right, all right. Enough hopping around. But now you see what I do with my time! I know... it takes a lot of work and research to be as cool as I am. I would even call myself a hipster, but I hear (by popular opinion) this would no longer make me a hipster, so hipster. Oh I meant to write it like that.... Er, type, actually. If it doesn't make sense to you it is because you are not quite up to par with my level of magnificently clever wit. Keep reading, rookie...

I apologize if I seem a bit over-the-top on this one... Actually, NO I DON'T! If you don't like it, then FOOTBALL! Haha! Yeah... I maybe forgot my Adderall today. Just kidding, I don't take that shit! I just sit back and let nature take its course. Maybe I am a little high strung, SO WHAT?!!! I'ma come at you like a spider monkey CHIP! HAHA! IDFK, you guys. I stopped trying to understand the voices in my head long ago... I just type what they say. Just hang in there with me, and we will all survive.

A friend of mine told me a story that I was about to recount to you, but I realized it would not be quite as funny second hand, so nevermind. Haha! I got you all built up for a story there and then left you hangin'! I know, I know, whattabitch! But you know you love me anyway... must be my charm.

Well I think I have successfully wasted about 10-15 minutes of your time here, depending on which bus you rode... I KNOW, I am hilarious! You were just thinking that, too! I KNOW! I am also psychic.


*Disclaimer: some portions of this blog have been left intentionally vague because it's not all your fucking business, OKAY? haha, just kidding, but for real... I have to try to be a respectable member of society, with regard to my profession... (Not that profession, get your mind out of the gutter!) So just fill in the details yourself, and let me know how your version of events turns out!

Shout outs to: my cousin Trav for the football thing, and Ben, who told the story I decided not to share with you!

Stay tuned Filterheads!

Deviant Thoughts

Have you ever realized you've figured something out that you wish you hadn't? Like realizing your parents are still having sex, just not with each other...Well I never had that experience per se, but I have had similarly awkward awakenings of the mind. It's the kind of feeling you get when you take the time to make an awesome BLT; you fry up your bacon,  (concentrate there is more to this analogy than just bacon!) you slice your juicy red tomato, pull off a couple leaves of lettuce, slather your toast with a generous amount of mayo... Then you admire your creation, and your mouth is watering. You take a large bite to fill your greedy mouth. Then it hits you like a garbage truck on your tastebuds: the mayo is rancid. And even after you spit it out and wash your mouth out with a gallon of Listerine, you still can't get the taste out. And even the next day, the disgusting taste lingers in your mouth like the sad memory of a love lost. You will never look at a BLT the same way. And to some extent, it has even ruined your taste for bacon! Yes folks, that is a sad sad day. We'll call it Sadder-day.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you keep waking up inside your dream? You can't tell what is real, and stimuli from the environment works it's way into your dream, tricking you  into believing you are awake when you're not. That is what I would imagine it would feel like to have dementia: to live in constant limbo between the real world and the fantasy world of our minds. But one could use this to ones advantage, if the confusion wasn't so frightening. I had a dream once where I was completely lucid and I was able to carry out tasks. Fleeting, though it was, and I never could get it to go "exactly" where I wanted it to (wink, wink). It was at work back when I worked in the factory, and it was just work related crap. I had to complete menial tasks and could never actually leave the environment. So I guess I wasn't fully in control. I got sick of being at work in my dreams, so I just woke myself up.

When I was about ten years old I stepped in a pile of cow shit, barefoot. I don't remember the circumstances of why I was barefoot in the pasture. But I do know the warm wet feeling gushing up between my toes sent me into shock. When I looked down at the dripping green doo-doo I started to bawl! Again, not sure why I had that reaction. It's just cow shit. It washes off! Yeah, that's a great story. I especially love it when good ol' Ma tells it to people... She has a special way of capturing my childhood angst the way only a mother could... Memories...

I have no idea what inspired me to share that with you, but I think it is fricken hilarious!

Have you ever had something amazing happen to you and you wanted to share it with someone but there is just no appropriate way to do so? It would be like if Lex Luthor died and Superman showed up at his funeral. No I am not a comic book junkie, so if this has happened, I apologize if my ignorance has offended those of you who are. Losers. J/k I think comics would be a bitchin hobby/interest. It would be the perfect amount of reading. Kind of like a magazine, except that comics don't attempt to present their stories as fact. And their stories would be infinitely more intersting than any article beginning with the phrase "10 ways..." My favorite list is this, "Top ten reasons I procrastinate. # 1:  "

Have you ever tried hypnosis? It's pretty amazing, I must say. I never thought I would be singing its praises, but I think it works if you want it to. I don't know if it has any lasting effects, but it was pretty cool in the moment! I used to think it only worked on the weak minded, but now I think it works on people who are strong enough to let their minds submit to the suggestions of another. It's powerful stuff. I wonder if you can get addicted to it....

Gotta go! bye! haha! Just kidding.

I think it is infinitely more rewarding to write a passage that gets the same message across by leaving out details. If the reader can connect the dots on their own, it feels like you share a secret with them. It makes it more personal. Almost like a conversation. A private conversation. I only learned this after reading some material myself. If you know me at all, you know I hate reading! It makes me sleepy. But in an effort to better satisfy my own readers, I have been doing some research. Your welcome. I also choose my words carefully to craft passages that give the reader a desired effect. Now that I have shared that with you, you will no doubt analyze my word choice more carefully, won't you? Now you will be thinking, "Shit, she has been manipulating my brain this whole time! What the hell? I feel so violated!" Now, with each stroke of the key, I form the words you read, and you will be thinking, "What's that supposed to mean? What is she doing?" Feeling paranoid, yet?

See! That is hypnosis! Well, kind of. It's suggestive, yet soothing. Manipulative, yet ameliorating. It both excites you and relaxes you at the same time. Man, I love words!

Anyway, I have been thinking about starting up a second blog. This one was intended to be light-hearted and funny, but I have had the urge recently to share a different side. "The Dark Side," if you will. Let me know if you guys have any requests or ideas. What would you like to see more of? Let me know and I will base the next blog on your suggestions!

Stay tuned Filterheads!

Thought Toilet

it really makes me question the reliability of a network news station when they quote popular tabloids like TMZ and the Enquirer as their main source of information on a given topic, actually it makes me question the relevance of a news station that reports on celebrities... really? we don't have more important things to hear about than the Tom-Kat divorce? If you're going to be a tabloid, call yourself a fucking tabloid, not the news. And when did the news go from simply reporting the facts to sharing everyone's opinion on the possible outcomes of a given event? I don't give a crap what you think this means for our nation, regardless of what kind of an expert you claim to be, seriously*.

*Unless you are Stephen Colbert. 

It's like that South Park episode that rips on the History channel. Click here for the South Park History Channel Thanksgiving Trailer. If you've seen it, then you know what I mean. It's just a satire about how the History channel has bogus shows like Ancient Aliens that really have absolutely nothing to do with history. I feel like news media conglomerates run stories that have absolutely nothing to do with relevant news. And yes, I did feel the need to connect the dots for you because I think a lot of people out there don't understand this concept. If they did, they would quit watching network news, and then those asshole posers who call themselves journalists would actually have to start doing their jobs the right way, which involves investigation, fact checking, and reporting said facts, rather than simply repeating what they heard on TM fucking Z!  GALL! (Spoken in true Napoleon Dynamite fashion.)

But enough of that tirade, I'm getting high blood pressure. This blog is actually out of order because I started it a while ago, then thought I lost it, but then I found it again and decided to finish it. Kinda like Liza Minelli's career! Wow. I just made myself seem way older than I actually am. Which is actually a nice change of pace, considering my usual immaturity.

I just read that last paragraph... haha! "This blog is out of order!" Wow. Kinda paints a picture. This blog is kind of like a toilet for my thoughts. And I got nothin'. Sorry, but that last visual of the thought toilet just did me in.

Stay tuned, Filter-heads!

Well I am a taurus, no wonder I'm such a bullshitter!

Holy shit, you guys! I just read my last blog... what a downer! Maybe I should refrain from writing when I'm pissed off. I mean, it is an interesting insight into my psyche, but it does not make for very enjoyable reading! And speaking of deadlines (as I did in my last post), I just missed another one. This one was for a job opportunity. AND I have just been notified that I have been placed on academic probation. WTF? I think it's time to quit my job, get out of the rat-race of modern society, and just become famous already. I mean it! I really should just stop pursuing nursing as a career altogether and put my talents to work. I just wrote two kick ass songs in the last 24 hours, so yeah, pretty sure I am the next big thing. Watch out, Katy Perry! You're not the only good girl gone mainstream! Booya!

Meanwhile... on planet Earth!... I have had shitloads of company over the last few days, and I have to say, I kinda like it! I mean seriously, what better way to keep your house clean than having 24 hour surveillance of it by outsiders?! Plus, I actually enjoy being hospitable to others. I know, weird, right? I never would have guessed that about myself. Also, over the last few days I have taken a vast interest in my own friends! Holy shit people, I think I am becoming a good person or something! And everything around me just seems to look... less shitty. Haha, I just had a thought... I wonder.... If I keep blogging over a period of time, if you guys could figure out what time of the month it is just by reading my material! haha! I think all women are bi-polar. I think we were just made that way. Am I making anyone uncomfortable yet?

A friend of mine recently told me that his girlfriend is psycho. He said she tried to explain to him the reason why she is the way she is. I say, if you have enough insight to figure out what it is that has messed you up, then it is time to stop using it as an excuse to continue to act like a crazy person. Just wanted to add a little pop psychology in there, for ya.

I also say, if you're a big person, you should wear big-people clothes; and if you're a little person, you should wear little-people clothes. That one just seems like a no-brainer to me, yet whenever I go out in public, I see people who get the equation wrong for some reason. You know what I mean, "There's not enough pants where there should be. More pants." Yes, audience, that is a Superbad reference! "Yeah, cuz the chicks go crazy for that male camel toe." "It's like a division sign." Haha, hilarious!

I am going to make this one short because I really don't have any more good material. Yes, people, you only get the best of me here, so don't start getting all obsessed over me, I'm really not this witty, intelligent, and hilarious all the time... WAIT, yes I AM! haha... But seriously, I care so much that I would rather just cut you off than to continue to lengthen this blog with fluff. "Fluff," is the directionless ramble of an entertainer with no material, and I swear, guys, I would never do that to you! I hate it when entertainers do that, because you feel like they are only giving you half their effort. And people who take time out of their days to support their favorite entertainers don't deserve to get fluffed on! Haha! I just fluffed on you! : ) Whatchya gon' do about it, chump? Nothin'. That's right. Wow. I am such a bullshitter. HILARIOUS! Spell check points out words like haha and no-brainer but does not highlight bullshitter! That just made my day! I think I will end on this classy high-note!

Take care, and stay tuned, kids!

I used to hate apathy, but now I don't care either way.

There is an epic battle between good and evil ensuing within me right now. I'm going to be brazenly honest: Life is sometimes just a piece of shit. I never wanted to become a cynic, but it's true. At the risk of sounding a bit misanthropic and morose, I maintain my position on the fact that people suck. And they continue to prove it to me every single day. Maybe it's not even the people around me; maybe it's just me. I don't know, but I do know that there is some kind of force, some unknown entity, who keeps reminding me of everything I have ever done wrong and all the times I have failed. He keeps telling me I'm just a piece of shit. Now, my friends at church would tell me this is Satan, the ultimate evil entity, and I prefer to agree with them because if this is simply my own voice pointing this shit out to me, then I would have to admit, I kind of hate myself. Which would be grossly moronic considering the infinite capacity of my awesomeness. Just sayin'.

*Disclaimer- this next passage will probably be offensive to many. Continue reading at your own discretion.

I don't believe that depression is a legitimate illness. Some may say, "Kendra! How can you say this? You are a nurse!" Well I say, "Shut up! Just because I have an education, doesn't mean that I don't know how to think for myself! Now BE GONE!" I don't know... that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but moving on. I honestly believe that depression is just really really severe self-pity. I think people should really just learn how to ignore their problems and continue on with life. Seriously. You'd be surprised how many times your problems actually DO go away when you ignore them. Oh, you say you're unhappy? Join the fucking club, now get back to your station and shake those fries you minimum wage imbecile. Maybe you should've paid more attention in Economics! But I'm not saying it's just poor people who are douche-bags. Oh no, make no mistake, douchey-ness crosses all classes of society. Ah-hem... Real Housewives? More like Real Bitches with fake body parts. People just need to stop being so concerned about themselves. So you feel like you got a raw deal, huh? How about starting with some gratitude for the fact that you are even alive. Next start feeling grateful that you have a job, if you have one. If you don't have a job, be thankful for employment agencies, I don't know, just quit complaining about shit. I realize as I state this, I myself, am complaining. Ironic. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself to point out that other people suck worse than I do. YEP!

Man, writing is so cathartic. It's not that I even expect anyone to agree, or even read my material. It just feels good to put it out there. Now I remember why I kept a journal as a child. Ha ha... I kept a journal as a child... what a grammatical faux-pas... I am picturing myself bundling up my little baby journal and keeping it as my child! Wow, I really should have majored in English. But seriously, I am considering a career in freelance writing. Just because the hours would be great. Of course, if I ever had to meet a deadline, I would soon find myself unemployed. Here's the conundrum: I hate being supervised or being told what to do or when to do it, but I am not what most would consider a "self-starter." Oh yeah, heard that from my boss when I was 14. Boy, if he could only see me now! Actually he couldn't see me now. He had macular degeneration and went blind. Sad, really.. Wow. I am kind of dark. Which is also how I was described at one point in my life... by my high school guidance counselor. Actually his word was "Morbid."He found it rather disconcerting that I carried a journal shaped like a casket... What? The Nightmare Before Christmas was huge that year... Also my sister had just passed away. I know... what a coincidence.

I am beginning to think that some of what I was told as a "youngster" has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I would have had a better chance of becoming productive, self motivated.... happy, if some of these things weren't said to me at such a young age. Or maybe not. Who knows? Maybe, as much as I try to distance myself from my own techno-generation, maybe I am just as much a product of it as any of my peers. Maybe I am just another member of the "Entitlement Era."

All that being said, I will close with, "Fuck it, clean it up tomorrow."

Stay tuned...