I am by far the least graceful person I know. Click here for an example. This is also an example of me (minus the beard and man-berries). Let me give you a brief run-down of my shameful run-ins with the ground:
Age 7: Christmas, playing with slinky on stairs, nearly sliced my pinky toe off on a long piece of scrap aluminum that was sitting on the stairs... lots of blood. (Why there was scrap aluminum on the staircase, I will never understand. Santa probably set me up! That jolly bastard!)
Age 12: slipped on ice in front of school bus, shattered tailbone, ouch! (Embarassing donut cushion with me in all my classes for months, priceless!)
Age 13: Tripped in basketball while attempting a rebound... nobody was even near me, Obliterated my ACL so badly the doctor said, "Are you sure you weren't impacted by another player?" No, doc... this one was ALL ME!
Still age 13: Fell down a flight of marble stairs secondary to my snapped ACL... bloody shins, much? Oh, yeah... again... no one around.
Age 14: Tripped in flag football, broken pinky.. this time I was pushed.
Age 15: Working at McDonald's, slipped on grease, broken wrist.
Age 20: Bought our first house, fell down both flights of stairs, broke both banisters... on the day we moved in!
Age 22: Fell down same stairs, broke banister again, this time carrying a flaming hot cup o' noodles and a Dr. Pepper... FML!
Now where was I going with all of this? Oh yeah, why the hell would anyone ask me to join any type of sport whatsoever with them? I am a danger to myself and others! But how dangerous could sand volleyball really be anyway? Right? Right? I'll just stretch a bit first, and I'll be fine... Even I'm laughing at that one. I'm a disaster! I have heard that the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and apparently I cannot get my limbs to behave appropriately. OH yeah... most recent injury... pulled a hammy while picking up laundry off the floor... I'm screwed.
Speaking of disasters, you ever see those celebrity tabloids... "Stars Without Their Makeup"? Yeah, that's how I look in the morning, too. And so does everyone else, Don't Judge Me! But, a few pounds of make up and a few hours later, well, see for yourself here! Ha, haaa... but seriously. Sing it with me now, "We're all all right, We're all all right!"
Imagine how confused the networks would be if everyone turned off their TV's just moments before the conclusion of a season finale... I would love to arrange that protest... "We are going to watch your show, all right, all except for the last 10 minutes! HA! Take that!" What? Yes, I would love to leave a legacy of confusion behind... I think I am well on my way.
You know what I hate? People who make excuses... The moment you think you nailed them for something really good, they just come up with shit out of the blue that makes decent enough sense to make you leave them alone. I am so freakin' jealous! I do not possess this quality. Whenever I am backed into a corner I usually just say, "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right... Maybe it was my fault that the molten hot Banquet dinner in your hand spilled all over my lap. I guess shouldn't have been sitting in that chair while you were trying to walk by..." Yes folks, that was a metaphor for a workplace annoyance that had nothing to do with Banquet dinners and everything to do with "that guy" who does shit like that all the time.
Ah, but whatchya gon' do? Hata's gon' hate. And I do mean that in the most annoying white-girl voice you could possibly imagine... EVA!
Fun Fact: McDonald’s in Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands & Burger King in Hawaii sell SPAM on their menus. SPAM!
Stay tuned kiddos...
A periodic dose of reassurance that you are not the only weirdo out there...
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