"I am the terror that flaps in the night..." Let's get dangerous!

That's Darkwing Duck... in case you were wondering... I miss the cartoons of my childhood...

Sometimes I say things just to be a jerk. Because it's hilarious, to me. For instance, if someone tells me they graduated in the year I was born, I will say, "1988?! Wow! You graduated in 1988, huh? What a coincidence, I was born in 1988!" Burn, now you feel old! Or if someone says, "Ugh, I hate mornings... COFFEE!!" I will say, "Oh, I am such a morning person. I just wake up happy all the time. I'm really at my best when I get up at around 4 AM." Ha haaa... Yeah, my chronological age may be 24, but inside I am still a child! "Na-na-na-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo, I'm better than yo-ou!"

You know that moment when you are teasing an acquaintance and you suddenly realize you have crossed a line? You know the moment... Either they drop their jaw in shock, or shut their mouths and walk away, thus ending the conversation. Sheesh, somebody's a little sensitive today... Oh no you didn't! Yes, yes I did.

I hate it when people start out their facebook statuses with, "I love it when..." when really they mean it's annoying. I read one that said, "I love it when people talk shit about others on facebook, but don't have the balls to call them out by name.. You know who you are..." Really? REALLY? I LOVE IT when teenagers are so lame they have to validate themselves by talking all big on facebook, while simultaneously making themselves look like idiots! GET A JOB! Or a hobby, but seriously... stop clogging up my updates with your self-induced drama. The disappointing fact is that it's not just teenagers who do this... I prefer to make people feel bad about themselves by simply bragging about myself... It's the more mature method.

I work a lot. It's not that I work a lot of hours; it's just that I do a LOT of shit while I'm there. By the time my day is over, I feel like I have been there for at least three days. Because, let's face it, nowhere else would I even attempt to cram that many tasks into that amount of time. I wouldn't wake up in the morning on my day off and say, "Hmm... I wonder if I could scrape and paint my entire house today... and then do my neighbor's house, too! And maybe I will take one quick 5 minute break to empty my ever-expanding bladder." That is what it feels like to be a nurse. Except, instead of trying to get one large task done in a day, I have to get at least a quadrillion* things done in one day while simultaneously meeting the insatiable needs of my patients... all 25 of them. Yeah. It's not that I don't love my job, it's just that some days I would really like to be able to tell someone, "I don't care! Go AWAY!" And I'm not kidding, I literally have 25 people to take care of daily. I cannot get a single thing done in a day without getting interrupted by somebody's "needs." But in all earnest, I really do love my job. It's takes a special kind of crazy to enjoy the work I do, but I think I am qualified in that department!

*Actual number of tasks... f'real.

All seriousness aside, I love having dogs. As I was putting them to bed tonight I thought, Damn, I wonder if I would be able to train my future children this well... All I do is say, "Bedtime!" and they literally race to the kennel. The kids wouldn't have to race to the kennel, though.

I'm very intrigued by alliteration. Perhaps that is why I so deeply enjoyed the movie "V" for Vendetta... It's either that or that sexy mask... For V's opening monologue click here. I was considering translating the speech on my own, but then I realized... I have the internet, and, pretty sure someone else has probably already done it! And unlike 4th grade social studies... you can't give me an F for copying it off the internet! Yes, it's true... intelligent by birth... lazy by choice... I'm just too smart to waste my time doing things that have already been done adequately enough by others, okay Mr. Trutna? And I adopted that world-view at 9 years old... I know, impressive. The history of the state of Nevada wasn't exactly a life-changer anyway. "The rate of traffic fatalities is higher than in most states (17.3 per 100,000), as is the percentage of traffic fatalities that are alcohol-related (43.0 percent)..."* "Nevada is the only U.S. state to allow some legal prostitution , in the form of regulated brothels..." And, no, I will not site my sources because apparently, according to YOU, Wikipedia is not a scholarly source, so evidently absolutely everything that's published on said site is absolute fiction... Meanwhile, you read your horoscope every morning, and adjust your daily plans accordingly.

*Note to self: don't live in Nevada, ever. It's just not safe.

The first time I ever heard a Weird Al song, I was hooked. Now I find it nearly impossible to recite the original lyrics to any song he has ever parodized. Yes, it's a word. (It's actually not. I just couldn't find a better way to put it.) My all-time favorite Weird Al song has got to be "Amish Paradise." Not based on content, but rather based on the fact that Coolio got so pissed when it became a bigger hit than his original "Gangsta's Paradise." When I saw this picture, I immediately imagined him saying, "I keep hearing it! Dammit! Get out of my ears, Weird Al! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Well folks, I'm going to have to wrap it up and bid you all adieu... Wow! I just impressed myself by spelling that right on my first attempt. Yeah, I'm worldly...

Fun Fact: A Wild Hare,originally released on July 27, 1940,  is considered by many film historians to be the first "official" Bugs Bunny cartoon.

I'm not hanging noodles on your ears... but if I was, they would be Ramen noodles, because I'm cheap

I am by far the least graceful person I know. Click here for an example. This is also an example of me (minus the beard and man-berries). Let me give you a brief run-down of my shameful run-ins with the ground: 
Age 7: Christmas, playing with slinky on stairs, nearly sliced my pinky toe off on a long piece of scrap aluminum that was sitting on the stairs... lots of blood. (Why there was scrap aluminum on the staircase, I will never understand. Santa probably set me up! That jolly bastard!)
Age 12: slipped on ice in front of school bus, shattered tailbone, ouch! (Embarassing donut cushion with me in all my classes for months, priceless!)
Age 13: Tripped in basketball while attempting a rebound... nobody was even near me, Obliterated my ACL so badly the doctor said, "Are you sure you weren't impacted by another player?" No, doc... this one was ALL ME!
Still age 13: Fell down a flight of marble stairs secondary to my snapped ACL... bloody shins, much? Oh, yeah... again... no one around.
Age 14: Tripped in flag football, broken pinky.. this time I was pushed.
Age 15: Working at McDonald's, slipped on grease, broken wrist.
Age 20: Bought our first house, fell down both flights of stairs, broke both banisters... on the day we moved in!
Age 22: Fell down same stairs, broke banister again, this time carrying a flaming hot cup o' noodles and a Dr. Pepper... FML!

Now where was  I going with all of this? Oh yeah, why the hell would anyone ask me to join any type of sport whatsoever with them? I am a danger to myself and others! But how dangerous could sand volleyball really be anyway? Right? Right? I'll just stretch a bit first, and I'll be fine... Even I'm laughing at that one. I'm a disaster! I have heard that the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and apparently I cannot get my limbs to behave appropriately. OH yeah... most recent injury... pulled a hammy while picking up laundry off the floor... I'm screwed.

Speaking of disasters, you ever see those celebrity tabloids... "Stars Without Their Makeup"? Yeah, that's how I look in the morning, too. And so does everyone else, Don't Judge Me! But, a few pounds of make up and a few hours later, well, see for yourself here! Ha, haaa... but seriously. Sing it with me now, "We're all all right, We're all all right!"

Imagine how confused the networks would be if everyone turned off their TV's just moments before the conclusion of a season finale... I would love to arrange that protest... "We are going to watch your show, all right, all except for the last 10 minutes! HA! Take that!" What? Yes, I would love to leave a legacy of confusion behind... I think I am well on my way.
You know what I hate? People who make excuses... The moment you think you nailed them for something really good, they just come up with shit out of the blue that makes decent enough sense to make you leave them alone. I am so freakin' jealous! I do not possess this quality. Whenever I am backed into a corner I usually just say, "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right... Maybe it was my fault that the molten hot Banquet dinner in your hand spilled all over my lap. I guess shouldn't have been sitting in that chair while you were trying to walk by..." Yes folks, that was a metaphor for a workplace annoyance that had nothing to do with Banquet dinners and everything to do with "that guy" who does shit like that all the time.

Ah, but whatchya gon' do? Hata's gon' hate. And I do mean that in the most annoying white-girl voice you could possibly imagine... EVA!

Fun Fact: McDonald’s in Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands & Burger King in Hawaii sell SPAM on their menus. SPAM!

Stay tuned kiddos...

If you can't say something nice... Repeat after me!

Question: Would it be terribly rude of me to say, "Hey you. I don't know your name, but (insert random information here)."? Is it really that imperative that I know your name before offering you a piece of information? Even if I took the time to ask you your name before telling you something, I probably wouldn't remember it for very long, so it would just be another annoying waste of my time. Because, let's face it, what I have to say is far more important than your name anyway. Just sayin'... 

I have a strange dislike for androgynous looking people. Or androgynous sounding people. Whether it's a cashier at Wal*Mart or a telemarketer on the phone, I have this innate desire to know the gender of the person with whom I am speaking. You know what it's like, when you see one of them from a distance or just catch a quick glance, and you're like, "Was that a... or a....??? Hmmm..." It's bad enough when you can't tell from a distance, but when they are right in front of you and you're still confused???  What the hell people? Either wear some make-up or don't... gender appropriately, please.

On a tangent... where the hell else did I think a telemarketer would be? Or a cashier for that matter... Isn't Wal*Mart pretty much the only store left anymore... Oh, no, my bad... Wal*Mart doesn't have cashiers anymore... they have those new, lazy-ass, check yourself out "attendants"... One person to 5 registers??? It might not be so bad if most of the people who use those self-checkout lanes had at least a brain cell to spare among them... It's not that hard people. Really. Just do what the little person in the screen tells you to do. I personally prefer the traditional lanes. What? Ring up my own items? Bitch, that's your job!

My keyboard just died! It's okay folks; I revived it. Maybe it didn't like what I had to say about Wal*Mart. What if walmart secretly controls the world? Interestingly enough, I just misspelled world as word. Now walmart is trying to take away my right to free speech by controlling my words! Those assholes! Just kidding, I don't really hate walmart (I decided to start spelling it in all small letters, just in case they do run random surveillance on self-proclaimed walmart haters!) One time I was checking out at walmart, and I asked the cashier if she ever felt like she was working in a coal mine. (Prices goin' down, down.) Kind of a dual meaning here, though, because what I meant was... She works there, can cash her check there, and buy everything she needs to take care of a family there. Like a company store. It's history, folks... I was going to say read a book, but in today's society I think it would more appropriate to just tell you to Google it. (That and if you were to tell me to read a book, I would call you a blasphemer!) Maybe, if I would have explained it like that to the cashier, she wouldn't have looked so pissed as I left (totally straight-faced, I might add). Wow, I am really putting way too much thought into walmart. It doesn't even deserve all this time I'm giving it. What the hell?

I just deleted an entire paragraph about the size of the one above ^^^^ because it was crap. Yes, private audience, rest assured, you get nothing but the best material here. Go ahead, tell your friends.

Flash Fact: The odds of becoming a lightning victim in the U.S. in any one year is 1 in 700,000. The odds of being struck in your lifetime is 1 in 3,000.

Stay tuned...

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a... Scottish barmaid weed-whipping in a dress??

Yes, folks, it's true... I have some strange dreams. The one I am going to tell you about occurred after watching The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson from Scotland... hence the Scottish barmaid. Click here for a preview of Craig Ferguson in Scotland... it explains a lot! Anyway, the dream started out with a strange futuristic-looking plane crashing in my parents front lawn. To wrap the rest of it up quickly, I called the cops to come and apprehend the pilot of said future-plane, but they wouldn't respond. The dream cut quickly to a Scottish pub where I found myself dressed in what I must have assumed to be the logical local garb: an outfit one would see a lady wearing at a renaissance fair... Don't ask... This is my subconscious mind, okay?! Anyway some local Scottish assholes wouldn't pay their tab, so I kicked them out and woke up in the back seat of what must have been a Ford Fiesta by the size of it. Turns out I had escaped from rehab*, and it was all just a dream! It ended with me wearing said renaissance outfit weed-whipping my lawn...

*I have never actually been in rehab...

I'm drawing a blank. I think I peaked too early in this blog with that Craig Ferguson link. But seriously, who came up with that phrase? "Drawing a blank." How is that possible? If you draw something, wouldn't it stand to reason that the page would no longer be blank?

You know what's cooler than a vacation? A Stay-cation. Actually, it's not, but because of my insufficient funds at the moment, the last two weeks of my life have been spent at home, doing next to nothing. I did manage to stain my front deck, though... and my clothes, and my hands, and a small portion of the driveway... Oh and I got a sliver... in my foot... evil wood!

On a side note --------------------------------------------------------------> I am going skydiving in August!
So, that should be pretty cool. It will be my first time jumping out of a plane, by choice. Just kidding, folks. So what do you suppose was the first thing I did after deciding to go skydiving? I Youtube'd skydiving gone wrong! NOT A GOOD IDEA! This was probably one of the mildest videos, but this guy (or girl, can't tell) was obviously scared shitless! Alternately, this tandem dive was pretty reassuring.

Fun Fact: The Cuttlefish has three hearts and green blood. The blood is green because they use the protein hemocyanin, which has copper in it, rather than hemoglobin.